You Have My Whole Heart

Tuesday night. I have the TV blaring in the other room to try and drown out the rhythm of my beating heart. I have no interest in hearing its song, knowing how it has betrayed me in so many ways with you. Every time you would come back I would tell myself that this was the last time. But then you called my name and I could only follow your voice back to the only thing I know. You.

A Crazy Fool

Every day I wait for you, and every day you let me down. I need to have you in my life. I hate those words: "I need". But there they are and they are completely true when it comes to you. I remember the last time we were together, knowing on some level we would part. Don't you miss me at all???

Yesterday

Yesterday I saw a kid who could have played you in a movie about your life. Same hair, same walk, same everything. I don't think I was missing you as badly until that moment. Now all I want to do is tell you I was wrong, that I miss you, please come back. That's why I shouldn't be left alone with my phone right now. The urge to text you is too powerful to resist.

This Is How It Hurts

This is how it hurts
You wouldn't make it work
We crashed into each other
In moments and in spurts

This is how it went
We talked and then we didn't
I fell in love with you
And you fell out of touch

This is how I cry
When I remember your goodbyes
Nothing like our love
Full of hatred and disgust

Today

I think today I may have forgotten to think about you for a few hours. Maybe I am over the worst. Mostly when I think of you I wonder whether you ever think of me. I know you said you loved me. Then you didn't say anything for a while. Then you said you hated me. What should I believe?

A Little Bit Lonely

I could say I'm a little bit lonely without you. I plead, come back and let me feel full again. This emptiness stifles me. Deep down, you know you want to. You know you miss me. We still need each other. Let me hold you again and forget all the nights and days filled with despair since you've been gone. Let me laugh and smile and have it not be forced. Let me love again.

Broken

I wanted to see you because my heart was broken. I am like a small child, lost and oh so confused. There was a time not too long ago when I believed in your love so much I thought that nothing and no one could ever take it from me. And now that I am left without it and you I don't know what to do. I just want to know what happened, how we got to this point. But you are not talking, and I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to find out. What. Happened.

Talk To You

I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I can no longer talk to you. All this time since we last spoke I feel the brokenness of my heart without having really mourned the loss of you. Not that you have passed away but perhaps your living hurts worse. I still check for signs of you via social media and my email, but there is none. I almost wish I could send you a message in a bottle saying, "Please, I am still here. I am still waiting. Forgive me of whatever you think I did. Come home."

It's Time

It's time to stop berating myself over the people who have gone in the past year, and start celebrating the ones who stayed. It's time to see myself through the eyes of those who love me, and not the users who professed their love to gain something entirely different. It's time to be grateful for who I am, the strong woman who has survived, and not lamenting who I am not and what I am lacking. It's time to give myself a break and love myself with open arms. It's time to be happy again.

Because Of You

It's been a while since we talked now
I still don't have anything to say to you
But if I had a shred of trust left for you I would say
That you took it all with you when you left
I don't trust easily anymore
I don't trust at all
I can't even make friends anymore
I hope you're satisfied with what you've done
You know the truth
I know the truth
And so it shall remain.

Wings

They tried to clip my wings as a child so that I could only ever fly so far.
I went a great many years not knowing that I could fly farther than even I knew.
Then I met you and you patched up my wings so I could see more of the world.
I loved it! It was all I could ever dream of.
But then one day you got that look in your eyes that scared me, an angry rage.
From your back you drew a pair of huge scissors. You broke my wings again.
Now I spend my days remembering all the things I saw and felt when I had wings.
The only difference is, I don't want to fly anymore.
I know what it's like to be grounded.

Where You Are

I guess it's over now
You never had to say it
The coldness of your heart created an absence in mine
Your indifference cast a shadow over my soul
I tried to dive into a lake of love
But you are the craggy rocks at the bottom that hurt my bare toes
I tried to get away from you
I tried to learn something new
I came back to check on you
But the coldness had suffused you completely
There was nothing for me to do but go
But as I lie here in the dark
I still wonder where you are now

Wondering

I wonder whether you're reading this
And if you are, what you're thinking
How I am too soft
How I should have seen the time limit in us
How I never should have counted on you
You are right in the latter -
I should have known not to believe in you
I ripped apart pieces of myself to build you up
And now the wind whistles through the holes in my heart
Left there for love of you
And you're right -
I should have known after all

Reaching

Still reaching for me

Even though you walked away

Where's the sense in that?

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The Pain Of Rejection

I look for you in all the places I know

In the dark recesses of my mind

Scary dingy places where your darkness overwhelms me

Slimy cold places and I cannot find my way out

I offered you generous bouquets of love and acceptance which you pretend not to see

In pain, you lash out

You hit me first - I dared stand closest - 

Now we share the pain of rejection

I question what in me made you this way

I turn to ask

But I dare not stand that close again

Shame

I was not ashamed

To be your lover at all

Until you said bye

Dance

Said, come dance with me

Didn't know you would spin me 

So much I would fall

Calling

Calling out to you

Still not used to this silence

Waiting for your voice

Fall

What in you made me

Fall for you so blindly yet

Gracefully as air?

So Little

And I miss you

Even though you've given me so little to miss

Between your words of hurt and your threats to leave

I think you walked away a long time ago

I stood alone to watch you leave

Not knowing why I was still standing there

And I love you

I don't know why I did that either

Tanya Mills

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